"Since those used to being overherd by everyone were often at a loss for how to make themselves heard by someone."

There is a boy with glowing eyes, who is quiet and respectful, gently humorous, who cries and laughs in the same breath-especially when reminded of Christ. There is a boy who cares sincerely and won't let even a shadow of turning, of bitterness or cynicism or pride darken a conversation.

I want to be that boy. I have, a few times, and few people have seen him.

This morning I had breakfast with Pastor Ed. During the conversation I borough up how lonely I've been. Lonely doesn't cut it -because I've started to notice that when I talk to people I'm familiar with, especially my former classmates, I'm a person I don't want to be, and largely they expect that from me. There is something I was in high school that was loud and bitter and desperate. Along with this I mentioned to ed how I don't feel like I'm on the same page with those people, as if there is something that always goes unsaid -not about how I will miss them, or how much I do or don't care about them, maybe it's a purpose. So I'm not just lonely I'm alienated.

Ed's response? "If I could be so frank, most of this comes from selfishness. So many times in this culture we are bombarded with things that tell us who we are, that tell us about how we should be, or what state we are in. It's perfectly natural, because everybody wants contact, everyone want to feel significant, and so we are gorged with cheap substitutes. When you act like that, you are craving for a place, craving for an Idol of self. That is why we look to God for definition."

What a selfish bastard I am, I'm sorry all... to especially you.

He went on about the "Discipline of Solitude" and how it is something to be cherished, for the very fact that we become who we should be. Then he talked about marriage, and how that is a form of definition, and the closest we will come to being fully known in this life. "Now we see but a poor reflection" right?

The more he said the more my heart burned and the more stoked I became. There was the truth, how blessed I am to be told it, what a grace.

At the end he looked me square in the eye and said "SO, do you feel blessed?". "Blessed for being miserable?" I thought. "You should," he said "you have this time to search for yourself in God, to find out what he says about you. Take hold of it, it is a gift."

I do feel blessed now.

Something I've been reading up on is the greek word τέλος or telos. Paul uses it quite a few times when talking about who we will be in the next life. From new bodies, to being Known, to having every unique desire fulfilled in God, to finally being able to think and feel as God himself does -those are all telos. In the most literal sense in means perfection, or maturity. The telos of an acorn is a fully grown oak tree. This has been a spectacular encouragement, this has been what I've been reading and praying about for so long summed up in a word.

So what to I do? I write it on my wrist every morning, that's what! It puts me back in place, it reminds me that there is a point, that there is a purpose.

Peace be with you as you look for τέλος