Eventually all of this must become zeros and ones

Ever since my wreck a week ago, the fact of God has been made painfully plain to me. It's interesting, because this whole month I've felt an incredible presence of God. In some ways it's all apart of growing up, but in a much deeper way it's the grace of God being made plain. I'm really hesitant to say I've grown, because it's so hard to measure this. At least I don't feel qualified to.

I say this because there is a huge divide between the fact of God, and the faith in God. Kierkegaard said "It is so hard to believe because it is so hard to obey." I don't know about you, but that hurts.

Where we draw the line between obedience and belief, which comes first, which is necessary first, is a big rigmarole of language. Bonhoffer has a great chapter on it in The Cost Of Discipleship, but what I've been told and come to see is that faith and works cannot be divided. Which leaves the question of what part empty works play. All very exhausting.

What I've found in my faith this past month, is almost a complete lack of trust in God's promises, and action in those which really boils down to a lack of trust in God at all.

I saw this when my car was totaled, my bank account drained, and a hefty load of insurance payments put on my shoulders. It's amazing to me how much security I placed in all these things. In the freedom to move around as I pleased, in being able to use my money, and even in the inability to get away from the pressing reality that I messed up. Literally my life crumbled along with that 94 thunderbird.

I see how much we all value comfort. When this life was never promised to be comfortable. And it seems like our ancestors understood that, that pain is the normal setting of life.

I know that sounds really drear. Most likely because it is, but that's why the gospel is so powerful, and also I think why mystics are generally so happy.

This last week I've been forced to step back from all this and with a bleeding heart recite all those promises that were made. Kind of a "Therefore brothers in view of God's mercies" thing.
"God you care about sparrows... remember me?"

There is a peace that comes with trust in something greater. Don't be a fool and write it off as ignorance. How can you when the very Entity that is giving you that peace started your war?

Besides His peace He has given me blessings. It's been just a week and already I have a spiffy new car, a promising job opportunity, my traffic citation was written off and won't be on my record, and a check in the mail when I was down to my last five bucks of pocket cash.

I'm shure you've read about missionary's getting checks in the mail and such, but I'm here to say he does it for punk 18 year olds too.

If anything, what I'm trying to get across to you, my reader, is that the promises are true. I want to make this whole ordeal a testimony to that. A testimony to His grace lavished on the most undeserving of us all, not just in money and cars, but to save our souls from this damnation.

In some ways I can relate to Boheme:
Who am I? I am a poet.
What do I do? I write.
And how do I live? I live.

This is kind of unrelated but I find this quote by Kierkegaard beautiful. And so I leave you with this:

Just as in earthly life lovers long for the moment when they are able to breathe forth their love for each other, to let their souls blend in a soft whisper, so the mystic longs for the moment when in prayer he can, as it were, creep into God.